Travels through the storm

I took these pictures a week ago as John and I drove back. Shortly after we left, there was a huge storm. We were surrounded by dark and scary clouds. The rain poured and the lightening flashed. As we continued on, the storm was replaced by mist all around us. The sun set and the mist turned into a breathtaking sight.

There are so many parallels between our drive back and recent events. Losing our child, was the worst storm we've ever experienced. But as the days go by, there is also beautiful hope that carries us through. Many times when were driving, it looked like we would just disappear into the mist. The future is very foggy. I don't know what will happen tomorrow... but God is the one who is holding tomorrow, working everything, even pain and sadness together for good. And that is a beautiful thing! :-)

Family

Our days have been filled with children!
Happy faces and cute grins :-)
Chasing each other, playing with each other...
Giggling girls and laughing boys :-)
It's been delightful to see their delight and enjoyment with life :-)

My parents have been blessed with 19 grandchildren so there is always a collection of children when my siblings get together. John and I are excited about the future when our children can run and play with their cousins. Until then, we enjoy the time we have with the blessings of others!

Resting with Peace

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A small pine box
A deep black hole
A humid night
A heavy grief

It felt so wrong to bury our first baby
the one we loved and hoped for
the first fruit of our love

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His Journey's Just Begun
Don't think of him as gone away
His journey's just begun,
Life holds so many facets
The earth is only one

Just think of him as resting
From the sorrow and the tears
In a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days and years.

Think how he must be wishing
That we could know today
How nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away.

And think of him as living
In the hearts of those he touched
For nothing loved is ever lost
And he was loved so much

-Unknown Author

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"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain..." Rev. 21:4

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Book Recomendation

John and I made it to our destination and it is so wonderful to be here! While we traveled, we listened to Lisa Beamer's book: Let's Roll! The phrase was spoken by her husband Todd Beamer on Untied Flight 93 before he and other passengers ran towards the terrorists on September 11, 2001. The plane crashed in a field instead of hitting the White House or another U.S. landmark.

The death of her husband was not the first tragedy in Lisa's life. Her father also died unexpectedly when Lisa was teenager. The death of her father almost brought Lisa to losing her faith in God. The pain and the agony of her loss was unbearable and unexplainable. She could not understand WHY God would take someone so precious to her. It wasn't until years later that she understood these verses in Romans 11:33-36:

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forever! Amen.

The loss of a loved one is deeply painful and because of our loss, I have a small understanding of some of the pain Lisa has experienced. I have wondered WHY God would take not only our precious baby, but also the hopes and dreams we had for the future. But I am humbled to realize that we do not deserve any gift God gives us. "Who has given to God, that God should repay him?" Every breath is a gift from God! Instead of shaking a fist at God for what is lost, we should be on our knees, thanking Him for the undeserved ABUNDANCE He gives daily.

Blessings of God

In this dark valley, through our deepest pain; the light of God has given us a pathway through the darkness and His love has held us close. It is because of all we have experienced that His goodness shines brighter. There have been so many little things that have meant so much. I am thankful that:

* Our time of not knowing what would happen was very short. I cannot explain the agony it was and I am so grateful we did not have to keep waiting and fearing what the outcome would be.

* Throughout the whole ordeal we had wise counsel from our loving midwives as they kept us in prayer.

* Dad and Mom were able to make the 10 hour drive to see us and were here through the whole thing even though they could only stay 1 full day (they were traveling the other 2 days). God's timing was perfect.


* A dear family was led by God give give money to my parents to cover the expense of the trip.

* John and Mom labored as hard as I did, pushing against and rubbing my back as the surges of pain tore through my body. Their love and care gave me the strength to go on.

* The process of loss was very short. I am so thankful it did not last weeks and weeks.

* We have been carried in a cushion of prayer. There is no way to handle this pain without the strength of Jesus! The encouragement and prayers of friends known and unknown have blessed us so much!

* After asking if it was okay, my midwife brought her 5 week old daughter with her when she came to check up on me. Though John and I shed tears over our loss, it was so healing to hold a precious baby, she even smiled at me!


* John's family made food and Sharon gave up her many responsibilities to come and stay with us. She has worked overtime keeping me company as John works, making food, doing laundry, washing dishes, working in the garden, and helping take care of the calves (to mention just a few!) She has been a tremendous blessing!!!

* My body is healing and my energy is returning!

* John and I are planning to travel this weekend to see my family, I can't wait!!! We already had this trip planned but it couldn't have come at a better time!

To our sweet baby in Heaven

Dear one~

Though we never got to meet you, we are so sad to lose you. We miss hearing your heartbeat, beating fast and strong. We miss your sweet sounds while you sleep. We're sad we never got to hold your warm body and stroke your silky hair.

There are so many things about you we wish we could have known. Were you a girl or boy? Were you easy going or strong willed? We're sad we never got a chance to see you grow up. We wish we could have known your likes and dislikes.

The confirmation that you were on the way was a complete surprise! We were looking forward to having a child, we just thought that it wouldn't happen for another year. But as soon as we knew you were growing in your mama's belly, we couldn't be happier! Not once did we ever wish for your tiny life to stop growing and flourishing.

For 10 weeks, we and others prayed for you to be safe and healthy and tried to do all we could to protect you. We counted the weeks and tried to keep track of your development. You grew so fast and changed so much in such a short amount of time! The loving hand of your Perfect Heavenly Father carefully knit your tiny body together.

Sweet Babe, we don't know why things changed. We don't know why your Master Craftsman didn't continue to build you in your mother's womb. It is so easy to wish things were different. So easy to wonder if we could have done something to protect you or wonder if we missed something important that you needed. It is hard to not let guilt creep in...because we desired so much to love you, nurture you, and care for you. But we have realized that even if we dedicated all our energy to give you a perfect home, there would always be imperfections because your parents are imperfect. Despite all our attempts we would still fail.

So we believe, out of God's graciousness, He decided to give you a perfect home. Not a cabin or a camper or a house, but a mansion in Heaven. There with our loved ones who have already arrived. There where there is no sickness, or crying or pain. You will never have to experience these. And though we are sad and cry because of all we have lost, we rejoice over the love, joy and peace you are now experiencing. We love you, sweet one, and are excited to meet you in Heaven.

So much love~
Dad and Mom

Unknown

We have had some reasons for concern about the health of our baby.... So far, everything seems to have a logical (and harmless) reason and my chats with our midwife here and our midwife there have been reassuring. But when faced with an abnormality, it is hard not to worry. When it comes down to it, even if we were going to lose our baby, the only thing we can do is pray and grieve (which we have done much of both). John so gently reminded me that if God chose to take our baby, it is only out of His love and care for our baby. God is a whole lot better parent than John or I ever will be! John has been so loving and supportive: holding me, wiping away my tears, and making me laugh! I am trying to rest and learning to trust in a deeper way the One who has been knitting together our precious baby!

Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.
From the rising of the sun until the going down of the same the Lord's name is to be praised.
The Lord is high above the nations, and His glory above the heavens.
Who is like the Lord our God Who dwells on High,
Who humbles Himself to behold the things that are in heaven, and in earth!
He raises up the poor our of the dust, and lifts the needy out of the dunghill;
That He may set them with princes, even the princes of His people.
He makes the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children.
Praise the Lord.

Psalm 113:2-9

A happy cookout with dear friends

We were delighted to get to share part of the weekend with dear friends. Keith, Gwen, and Sarah are on their way to see their son/brother, his wife, and their new sweet baby out west! At the last minute, we asked if they could stop in. (It is rather difficult to make long term plans since I'm not sure if I'll have energy or not.) They were able to rearrange their schedule and come not only for our cook out, but also stay over night. It was Such a delight to share the night with them and two of John's sisters: Sharon and Anna. Sharon and Anna arrived early to help with last minute things (Sharon even did my dishes being the generous woman that she is!) We had such a fun and delightful evening! I took Very Few pictures so you'll just have to stop by to experience the fun. We can't wait to have more company! :-)

John delighted us by giving us a ride in the wagon at the back of this old blue tractor. There are tons of paths around here, and it was such fun to ride through the fields and forest to get to our cookout spot. (Really wish I would have gotten a picture of all us riding through the green fields!)

I had so much fun arranging the table with a denim blanket, fresh picked Queen Ann's Lace (John picked the exact amount I had in mind!) candles and tea lights. It was so nice to be in the middle of the forest! Despite how much rain we've had, John was able to get a fire started and we all had stumps to sit on around the fire. My little red mp3 player/cell phone, did a great job providing atmosphere music!

Here is Sarah, Anna, and Sharon getting some Delicious food! We had quite the feast with fresh garden potato salad (made with sour cream, chives, and parsley), garden corn, marinated venison, and a yummy potato dish that Sharon made! We had mint tea, lemonade, and water to drink. After dinner, we roasted marshmallows and talked late into the night. Ahh bliss :-)